License Plate Journalism: Hannibal Lecter Edition
For about two years now, I’ve been taking photos of license plates that I spot on my daily commute. My obsession began when I was living in this obscure little neighborhood in Long Beach called Bixby Knolls (Fun fact: The house where Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was filmed resides on a quiet, tree-lined street in Bixby Knolls.) To me, Bixby was this kind-of eccentric part of town shrouded in folklore where weird things could happen and it wouldn’t surprise anyone, particularly people who had lived there for some time. If you want to know what I mean by this, just google “Midget Town” and “Igor’s Alley.”
ANYWAYS. I was driving west one day on Long Beach Boulevard towards the ocean when I found myself braked at a red light behind this gray minivan with a license plate that read IWASFAT. I had to do a double take because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. Sure enough, I had read the plate’s message correctly, and it was the most ridiculously unnecessary yet weirdly perfect use of a vanity plate I had ever seen. IWASFAT immediately became my hero. I shamelessly Instagrammed IWASFAT’s plate and received over 100 likes (I usually celebrate when I reach 40). Thus began one of my strangest, niche-est hobbies yet.
Since discovering IWASFAT, I’ve collected photos of well over a hundred vanity plates, each plate teasing me with the likelihood of a very interesting, untold story behind its short, bold statement. Whenever I come across one of these plates, I often find myself wondering about the person driving the car. Are they the owner? If so, what are they like as a person? What did they eat for breakfast that morning? Are they more of a cereal-and-milk individual, or do they prefer some version of eggs and toast? Or maybe they totally skip breakfast and survive on snacks all day (just like me!) Also, what gives them the superhuman confidence to drive around every day with an eye-popping statement displayed on the back of their car for all the drivers behind them to see and pass judgments? There’s something so richly egotistical, so thirst trap-y about the psychology of the vanity plate owner… I mean, some of these plates really get me thinking!
Oh, and just a heads-up to all owners of vanity plates in the greater Southern California area: NOTHING stands in the way of my iPhone 6 and your super-sick plate! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to shout “SORRY GOOGLE MAPS!” as I directly disobey my GPS’s voice commands in order to chase a license plate onto a freeway that definitely will not lead me to my final destination. Mmmhmmm…the thrill of the chase! I even have friends who now send me photos of Instagram-worthy license plates they spot on the road. SoCal drivers, you have been warned!!!
What does it take for a license plate to grab my attention away from contemplating (as I drive) why my favorite crush hasn’t liked my last 12 Instagram photos? Well, let me break it down for you!
Criteria #1: The plate’s message has to be SENSATIONAL…probably HILARIOUS.
Criteria #2: It has to be something I can make a joke about on Instagram.
Criteria #3: It has to be so bad that it’s good, hopefully, SCANDALOUS…
Basically, if I’m driving and I spot a plate that fulfills two-thirds of the above criteria, then folks, we have a winner!!!
But where would the reward be in chasing license plates if I couldn’t share my iPhone treasures with Internet frenz? This is why I asked my URL friend @very.famous.girl if I could do a #VERYFAMOUSPLATES series, where every month I will feature the SICKEST, MOST SENSATIONAL vanity plate I spotted on the road that month (along with my musings and theories about the plate’s owner). Think of the series like license plate journalism — hopefully, so niche even the hipsters will brake for it…OK, that was just…terrible.
I figured what better way to kick off #VERYFAMOUSPLATES (and summer!) than with this plate, gifted to me in my DMs from my internet friend Jordan a.k.a. @cultured_crane. Future posts will almost always be photos by me, but this nugget was too good to not do a feature on.
License Plate Profile: FINESKN
OK, so. My profile of this dude FINESKN could go one of two ways: either he’s that creepy bro in an Affliction T-Shirt sitting in his truck at the beach scoping all the bikini-thong hunnies, or — and this is a much more menacing theory — HE IS A REAL-LIFE HANNIBAL LECTER searching for the perfect um…materials…for his next DIY lamp shade. A third theory is that FINESKN is a hunter who really just loves animal skins, but where’s the fun in that?
Because I’m a sucker for outlier theories, we’re gonna go with Theory No. 2, that FINESKN is on his way to steal your bitch and repurpose her into some handcrafted FINESKN furniture. Hide your wife, hide your kids!
FINESKN PROFILE:
Sex: Obviously male
Age Range: Late thirties to mid-seventies
Marital Status: Divorced
Pets: A blind iguana
Fave Breakfast Food: Let’s not go there and say we did
Fave Alcohol: Whiskey (Johnnie Walker Black Label, Jim Beam in a pinch)
Fave TV Show: Animal Planet
Fave Hobby: Drawing portraits of his mom, framing portraits of his mom, furniture-making
Gmail Password: motherdearest666
Biggest Fear/Phobia: Ladybugs
Shops @: 24-Hour Walmart only
Talitha Reilley is an “ENTP. Huge fan of citrus!!!!” You can find her at @hawtcatwifi on Instagram.
